I love having epiphanies.

It’s that moment of peace I get when I finally realise something important. There’s nothing better.

First of all, I embarrassed myself totally in front of the person I liked. I wouldn’t have been half as tongue tied if they weren’t there. God’s sake. AAAAAAAAGH. Inviting me places and all I can say is “What?” and laugh. Get a FUCKING GRIP. It just makes me so FUCKING ANGRY. I mean, there you come, waltzing into the room, and I’m just there, with a dumb expression on my face and butterflies in my stomach, and you’re just there, just being you. It’s not fair. You’re so cute. Dark hair is so sexy, I don’t know why. And your smile. Oh my God. Makes me feel tingly inside. I don’t know what this is, but I’ve been feeling it for aaaaaaaaaaages and now it’s sort of making me angry, paranoid and happy at the same time. Angry, because I’ll never have you, EVER. NOT EVEN IN A MILLION YEARS. Damn you for being taken. Damn damn damn damn damn. Damn it all to hell. It’s really not fair. Paranoid, because what if you forget me? What if one day, you wake up and you can’t even remember my face? My voice? My laugh? What if one day, and I can’t remember you? I don’t want that. I never want that. Fuck. And obviously you make me happy, because you’re such a FUCKING NICE PERSON. GODDAMNITALLTOHELL. Stop being cute in pictures you take, stop being cute in everyday life, stop being cute when we’re smashed, stop being cute in texts, stop being cute in everything. Actually, no. Don’t stop being cute. I love that about you. I love everything about you. Does that mean I love you? Maybe. Probably. I don’t know what this is and what makes it worse is that you don’t even know. Do I want you to know? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m even ready to let anyone else know. I’ve told Elle and Rhi, obviously, James, Georgia and Sian. Don’t talk to Sian anymore. That’s a shame, she was a laugh. 5 people though. 5. That’s like barely any, and I didn’t even really want to tell the last 3. Had to tell Georgia though because she had to give you a rose for Valentines Day, which I spent the entire morning chasing down because there were only 2 left. I thought that was cute as fuck, and I wish I was there when you got it. I wonder if you got it when you were with your friends. I wonder if they laughed and made jokes about it. I wonder if you even know it was me. Didn’t put my name on it. I don’t know. I like thinking about you, even if I’m not there with you. Lmfao. Oh my God, why am I so sappy. I hate how I feel like I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. I’m weird. And honestly, I think I’m ugly as fuck. Always feel like I’m doing something awkward. I told James because I kind of did want to tell him as the same time as not, and I thought “What the hell, go for it. Maybe this is good.” Was it? I don’t know. I reckon so. He’s been cool. He’s told no one. Told Sian on Valentines Day I think because I drank most of my parents’ wine without them knowing. Blegh. I like being drunk. Everything’s so much more easier when drunk. I wish I was drunk.

God bless personal blogs, devoted my main for photography pictures, and it’s alright, I guess. I’d like a few anons now and then. Meh. Even anon people don’t like me. Thinking about it, most of my anon messages are ignored, and they’re perfectly civil ones. Is the entire world out to get me or something? Anyway, yeah. I guess if I didn’t have this, I’d really quite go insane. Fuck it. Tumblr’s such a good venting place. I kind of regret how you won’t ever see this though, not unless I somehow get you drunk as the same time as I am and I show you on my phone or something? House party? Could do with one of those.

Please, for the love of God, don’t ignore me. Fair enough if you don’t want to talk to me, but please, don’t ignore me. You know my confidence is shit and it doesn’t help with you ignoring me.

My goal in life is to not wake up on my 40th birthday and not hate my job because I was forced to make a career choice in my teens.